Awakening

§ 2021-02-13 21:17:48

[21:40] Tanak hovered over them for at least the first four paro as though sceptical of Baishar-sha's loyalty or perhaps even his very existence. The strangeness of it all had pulled Baishar-sha into sleep before he could have given a better estimate of Tanak's tenacity.

In those four paro, it got better. Once it stopped feeling wrong, it was still obviously different, and Valcen-za could offer no guess as to how long that effect might prevail, other than to postulate that no self-perception could maintain such a disconnect for long. There would always be a trend toward getting used to yourself.

The body was still growing; it had matured by several months on its own, mindless, empty, but a few months were not enough to form an adult body. Like Valcen-sha, Baishar-sha was an adolescent in kavkem terms, something that was both obvious and strange. He was hungrier than before and in greater need of affection.

When he woke, Valcen-za was wrapped around him, a mild, pleasant source of warmth, himself dozing, no doubt from the lack of mental stimulation. His presence was a strange thing – something awkwardly suspended between amanat and parent, unmistakably conveying safety, but mildly ambiguous on other axes.

§ 2021-02-21 00:00:02

[00:00] The world gradually tugged his awareness out of slumber, his senses blearily waking to Valcen's comforting presence. Things were still strange, even though the last traces of wrongness had faded away as Valcen had promised. Being in a smaller, younger body was a large part of it, he was pretty sure. It was strange how Valcen-za occupied an emotional niche he couldn't give a name to, neither parent nor amanat. Would Valcen-sha feel the same way? Or would he feel like more of a sibling, even?

After a couple sapo of waking up, Baishar began to feel restless; he gently nuzzled Valcen's neck, licking at the edge of his jaw.

[00:27] The friendly attention immediately drew Valcen-za to full attention, immediately fussing with some of Baishar-sha's feathers, nibbling lightly down his spine in his moments of silent waking.

With both of their senses thawed to full attention, it was clear that Tanak was gone. They were alone.

"Are you feeling any better?" Valcen-za asked once he freed his muzzle from having a mouthful of feathers, back to speaking in Kendaneivash now that no Nayabaru was expecting otherwise.

[03:02] Baishar gave a light shake of his muzzle in affirmation, his expression a faint smile. "It's still a bit strange," he replied quietly. His voice still felt a bit off to him, but at least it didn't have the horrible wrongness of before. "I still need to get used to it. But it's much better than before."

[03:24] Valcen raised his muzzle, nipped briefly at Baishar's jaw in an encouraging gesture, then glanced away, as though scanning the room for Tanak. For a moment, it was unclear if he wanted his Nayabaru body guard's presence – while strange, not entirely unheard of – or to verify he was indeed gone. As they weren't in the Den or Valcen's office, the soundscape was strange, with something that registered as the distant hum or some machinery – perhaps generators – in the background.

Beyond the perpetual background rumble, it was silent.

A few paro ago, Valcen had said that he 'needed his assistant'. Baishar hadn't had the mental bandwidth to ask about it, nor had it honestly occurred to him – he'd always done his work, simple as it was, and if Valcen needed his cooperation, he had it. ...although, would Ryrha in her present state even know to accept his presence?

In any case, on reflection, there didn't seem to be any pressing projects that would need Baishar's input right now. Unless something had happened to bring about a new one that Valcen had yet to mention.

The way Valcen had scanned for Nayabaru suggested that perhaps, just maybe, there was.

"How do you judge your ability to think and work?" Valcen asked, bringing his attention around to Baishar again, the friendly, gentle tone of work making it all seem perfectly natural again. Maybe the brief impression had just been a trick of Baishar's new senses.

§ 2021-02-27 19:31:17

[19:31] The phrasing, coupled with Valcen's scanning of the room — to make sure Tanak was gone? — gave Baishar a moment's pause. To think and work. He'd of course do anything Valcen commanded, though rarely did it require thought. It might take some time for Ryrha to get used to him in his current state; certainly she wouldn't recognize him as Baishar. (Mere paro ago, he wouldn't have recognized himself as Baishar.) It would take some time for her to get used to his presence again.

Perhaps he needed some help with the Torunyema? It hardly seemed likely; Valcen was perfectly adept at its use, and without the implants, Baishar couldn't see what he was doing. (I don't have the implants, he took a moment to remind himself. He'd have to be careful not to try switching modes on instinct.)

Regardless of the nature of the work, it hardly changed his response. "I believe I am capable of both," he replied, dipping his muzzle in respect. "What can I help you with?"

[23:17] Valcen-za seemed to consider the question for a moment – a little odd, perhaps, given that he had sounded as though he'd had something fairly specific in mind.

"I'd like to expand on the feature set of the qidravem with you," Valcen mused. "You already know that it translates sensory input into data, but we can feed it other data, and you can learn to understand it just as you would what you're seeing, touching, tasting and hearing. If we get that to work with you, once Valcen-sha returns, you and he could even benefit from something much like telepathy."

It was an exciting prospect – almost so exciting that it masked the fact that this was very obviously not the primary purpose of whatever Valcen had in mind. There was more to it, but while the subtext was practically screaming it, it was doing it in a language Baishar couldn't understand.

[00:54] Being able to communicate directly with Valcen-sha's mind? The prospect of it was intoxicating, though there was still something subtly strange about it. Why now? Valcen had said he needed his assistant, couldn't this have waited until he — until Baishar-za and Valcen-sha had returned from wherever they'd gone?

There was something more to it, he sensed; but Valcen wasn't divulging the details. That wasn't worrisome exactly. Baishar trusted Valcen with his life and his death, they both knew this. Valcen was under no obligation to share his plans. But it was unusual for Valcen to be this tight-lipped about most things.

Still, the oddity couldn't quite dampen his enthusiasm. "I'd love that," he replied, his expression radiating excitement. "When can we start?"

[01:12] "Now, if your self-assessment is correct – as long as you feel you have full control of your faculties, we can go to my office and explore our options," Valcen encouraged, bringing in his muzzle to rub it against Baishar's shoulder a little. He still gave his freshly minted assistant-copy the impression of being just a little too large, but it wasn't likely to be a problem for any appreciable length of time.

With the sound of claws scratching lightly at the ground, Valcen pushed himself to a stand, his attention now mostly on his protégé rather than his surroundings. "I'm right here if your motor control does anything strange," he encouraged, promising his help.

§ 2021-03-06 21:39:02

[21:39] It was difficult to quell the urge to rush towards Valcen's office at top speed — for one, he wasn't entirely sure where they were, and running off in a random direction in Katal was a terrible idea. For two, he still wasn't entirely confident he wouldn't trip over himself. Sticking close to Valcen was a good idea.

Instead, he followed diligently alongside his master, fidgeting slightly and occasionally nuzzling Valcen's shoulder to try and direct the restless energy. Meanwhile, thoughts buzzed in his mind. He and Valcen-sha were now closer to equals, at least in terms of hardware; of course, he still had a long way to go before he was even remotely as knowledgeable or experienced. Telepathy was a fascinating idea, but could it go further than that?

As they walked, a worrisome question started to bubble up in his psyche. Giving a brief glance around to make sure there weren't Nayabaru to get antsy from continuing to speak in Kendaneivash, he asked: "Valcen? The Torunyema doesn't work on qidravema, right? Then... what will you do, if you have to change my mind again?" There was a note of fear in his voice, though not of his own safety. Certainly, he hoped he'd never put Valcen into a similar situation again, but surely Valcen had a plan for if such a thing were necessary.

[22:23] Valcen paused to look at Baishar, a strange but obvious mild amusement colouring his features, looking at him as one might while pondering at least casually whether it was a trick question. But there was no indication that he thought Baishar should know the answer when he responded:

"Everything the qidravem processes is just data," he reminded. "That makes it much easier to change than a biological mind, although I'd need either physical access for it as well, or an authorised connection.

"Think of this way: The 'telepathy' I mentioned? That's just a form of changing your mind – it's putting thoughts and sensations into your head that aren't your own. It's easy to imagine that being put into some kind of void, but for you to notice it, it'll have to displace some of your own thoughts."

As he answered Baishar's question, he resumed walking, guiding his protégé through a curved corridor. It took them past the infirmary – that made sense. No doubt Baishar's previously unresponsive body had been in there for some time before he was moved out to make space for someone less fortunate.

Of course, the path from the infirmary to Valcen's office was a familiar one, even with the proportions on everything subtly wrong due to Baishar's smaller size, so he was able to start being less led along, freeing up mental resources for the conversation.

[01:55] Oh. That was very clever. So Valcen could make changes whenever he pleased, without having to use the Torunyema at all. There was a part of Baishar that wasn't sure how he felt about that; he wondered if he would grow to miss the old way, with all the emotions tangled up in its use.

Though... if his senses were just data, presumably it wouldn't be hard for it to feel the same way?

Either way, soon enough he would know all these things firsthand. In the meantime, he continued alongside Valcen in silence.

[02:28] Anyone else might have worried about whether the silence was one of private worry or merely a temporary end to Baishar's curiosity. Valcen had the luxury of knowing Baishar's thoughts quite intimately, having designed several of them himself. He simply accepted the silence.

A few minutes later, the environment was more familiar. Disappointingly, even this place he had inhabited for several months still nagged at Baishar's sensorium as subtly disproportional. But even though it was very slightly too large, it still felt like home.

A strange emotion, really – home, in the heart of Katal – but no less true for it.

Valcen's office was much as Baishar remembered it. There were no surprises – no innards of some completely new project lying here, no replaced furniture, no new tools. Nothing betrayed that Valcen was planning something completely new.

"Here we are," Valcen commented, scratching lightly at the underside of his chin as his attention wandered through the office, looking for something. Or rather, as it turned out as he began to gather what he needed, a few somethings: A tool with a fine, tapered tip, a short, stout knife, a magnifying glass attached to a portable base for hands-free use, and something Baishar had seen Valcen use on the qidravem prototypes that had two delicate, protruding wires.

"I'd like to try something crude first as a proof-of-concept of sensory manipulation, if you're willing," Valcen mused, setting his inventory down on the smooth, cool floor. The vagueness suggested Valcen himself was unsure how it would manifest in Baishar's subjective experience.

§ 2021-03-13 17:28:39

[17:28] Even home felt subtly wrong, too large. Baishar caught a glimpse of the Torunyema and shivered at its scale, fear and faint arousal mixing in his gut at the sight of it. To his perception, it had only been a few paro since he was last strapped into it; before everything had suddenly gone wrong. ...Maybe it wasn't the worst thing in the world that Valcen would be able to adjust his thoughts without the use of the Torunyema.

The office was much like it had been when he'd last seen it, though a bit larger like everything else. It was comforting, in a way; lending the impression that he'd hardly missed anything at all. He sat, waiting and watching as Valcen scrounged materials for whatever he was planning to do. Once he saw the tools, though, and a mental picture started to form, he grew concerned. The dull pain in the back of his skull felt fresh and harsh.

"...Is this going to hurt?" Of course, it didn't much matter either way. Valcen knew what he was doing, and Baishar trusted whatever it was wouldn't cause lasting harm to him. But he worried about keeping his composure; what if he panicked and hurt himself more? Or worse, what if he panicked and hurt Valcen? "Should I be tied down for this?"

[21:38] Valcen considered the question for a moment. "I would expect it to sting a little more than a syringe. It shouldn't be too bad," he mused. "We just need two small incisions here," he tapped at the back of his own skull, analoguous to where Baishar was feeling the tenderness from the inserted qidravem. "There aren't that many nerves there, since it's just skin and bones."

And with that calm statement came a dilemma – was Valcen so calm about it because of his carefully pruned empathy or because it really wouldn't be a big deal? The latter seemed more likely, given that he would have interest in Baishar not thrashing about, but sometimes it was hard to gauge what went on in Valcen's head.

[23:19] Valcen's calm confidence helped, though a bit of visceral uncertainty still remained. The hole in his skull was still healing; cutting into it to get access would only set it back further. All the more reason to do it sooner; less to lose that way. The pain would be temporary, and it would help Valcen get closer to something less physically invasive.

Of course, it was possible that Valcen's blunted empathy was responsible for his calm demeanor. No doubt it helped, even though he was fairly sure he still registered as Baishar to what empathy still remained. But Valcen knew what he was doing; at worst, they could just grow him a new body.

Wordlessly, Baishar dipped his muzzle in reverential acknowledgment, then padded over to Valcen and laid in front of him, tilting his chin against his neck to expose the tender wound at the back of his skull. His arms tucked in tight against his sides, his feathers puffing out in stress as he tried to breathe slowly and steadily.

[00:21] Intellectually, it was clear that what Valcen was about to do was nothing at all like the insertion of a qidravem into a body's skull – the hole one had to cut into the bone for that was considerably larger. From what Baishar understood of how the Nayabaru enacted Valcen's vision, they literally took out a piece of the skull and then reinserted it.

But before they did that, they poked a small hole into it that interfaced directly with the qidravem. That had always been part of the design. It was intentional that skin and feathers grew back over this indentation – it wasn't meant to be accessed constantly, it was simply there in case there was a need to access it... as Valcen was now intending to do.

Valcen took a moment to wrap his arms around Baishar's shoulders and chest, nuzzling along the side of his neck in a wordless encouragement. "You're very tense," he observed, speaking softly. "We can wait with this if you'd rather, if you think it would help if you get used to your body a bit more first." The claws of his right hand reached up and ran through the feathers at the edge of Baishar's jaw.

§ 2021-03-14 22:57:03

[22:57] Baishar whimpered softly at Valcen's touch, his tension melting in the comforting gesture. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to lose himself in Valcen's embrace, to give his body over to his master to do as he pleased with it. Silently, inwardly, he bemoaned that Valcen-za was the one left behind, that 'sha was off with his original self on an adventure beyond the walls of Katal.

Valcen's words brought him back from his pointless yearning, his voice gentle and kind. Would it be better to wait, to get more used to his body? Or would it only make things worse later, when they finally decided to move forward? Weakly, Baishar flicked his muzzle upward. "Better now than later," he whispered back, nuzzling Valcen's fingers and lightly nipping at them.

[00:34] Valcen's central claw caught gently against Baishar's teeth in response to the nipping, giving his jaw the gentlest tug. Another digit slid in under his chin and guided Baishar's muzzle upward and to the side, revealing the details of his eyes to Valcen's dual cybernetic stare. The simulacra watched Baishar's silence attentively.

Then Valcen nibbled along the ridge of Baishar's right eye and drew his hand back, tracing knuckles briefly and lightly along his jaw in the process. "Then let's proceed," he said, softly, pulling his magnifying glass stand over to them with one hand while using the other to gently but firmly push Baishar's head down and his neck flat rather than arched.

With the palm of his left hand pressed against the side of the back of Baishar's head, careful claws of his right hand ran through the feathers, assessing where the skin had been cut to insert the qidravem – still tender, still healing, nothing that Valcen wanted to disturb or even touch.

It did, however, tell him where the indentation would be.

Shifting his left hand to gently pin some feathers to the side, he grasped the knife but turned the blade away from Baishar to touch its blunt end against skin. Cool to the touch, its gentle pressure probed against Baishar's skull to verify the location of the indentation without damaging anything.

Once he was sure he'd found the indentation, Valcen turned the knife, hovering the blade over the point of interest. "Brace for it," he said. And then, with a quick, practised motion, he cut two lines into the skin between feathers, at an acute angle.

The razor-sharp blade barely hurt, parting skin with the minimal necessary damage.

[01:31] For a moment, a cold fear clutched at Baishar's throat, and he froze as Valcen maneuvered his muzzle. Had he misbehaved in some way? Valcen's stare held no malice, but it was inscrutable. The moment seemed to stretch out, the fear bled out into a nervous confusion, but he held still, gazing up into Valcen's eyes.

Then the moment was over, and Valcen was back to his usual self. If that was a test, it seemed Baishar had passed. He offered no resistance to Valcen's hand, letting it guide his head flat against the ground and hold it firmly in place. He tucked his arms against his sides, and focused on holding still, pointing his gaze directly ahead and pointedly ignoring the motions in his peripheral vision.

There was a sharp intake of breath at Valcen's command, and Baishar shut his eyes. Then he felt it, but it was hardly painful, at worst a moderate discomfort. The exhale fluttered into a faint nervous laugh. Was that all? All that fear for that? He visibly relaxed. He'd gotten himself worried for nothing. Valcen knows what he's doing, he reminded himself, the phrase so practiced it felt like it had always been his own. There was nothing to worry about.

[02:19] "There," Valcen commented, softly. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" he queried, even as a mild but unpleasant sensation ran as a wire down Baishar's spine, the side of the blade slipping in under the flap of skin to peel it back from where one might expect crimson-tinged bone. The only bone that could be seen was at the edges of the triangle, an incomplete ring.

Holding the knife with his left hand, he reached for the tapered tool with his right, bringing it up to probe at the opening — eerie for that it felt like nothing much at all. There were no nerves there to transmit direct sensation, so it was a bit like some foreign object were lodged in Baishar's bones, the tiny scraping motions of the tool reverberating lightly through his skull.

Valcen pulled the knife away, letting the tiny flap of skin instead settle against the side of his other tool, which he passed to his left hand. His right adjusted the magnifying glass to sit between his muzzle at Baishar's head.

Something popped lightly, a second-hand sensation like the others. Valcen's right hand dipped to bring the item that interfaced with the qidravem up. Baishar could feel its strange pressures shifting against his skull.

Abrupty, something visceral signalled a connection, like a sudden neutral pressure between parallel fingers or against his tongue, but disembodied from anything he could physically place. Something was inside him, unthreatening but borderline awkward in its presence.

"Ready?" Valcen asked, tone conversational and encouraging.

§ 2021-03-27 17:25:16

[17:25] Even as Valcen spoke, a light shudder ran down Baishar's spine. The awkward pressure at the back of his skull sent subtle tendrils of wrongness through him. Perhaps waiting until he was more used to his body would have been a good idea after all. It didn't matter, he told himself. They were doing it now, they would do it now. Valcen knows what he's doing, he repeated the mantra to himself, clinging to it as a rock in a storm.

The sudden jarring sensation elicited a soft, ambiguous sound from his throat. He blinked a few times, trying but failing to place the feeling. It felt like something inside of him; different from what he could remember of his time in the Torunyema. Like an invisible hand was pressed against his soul. The mental image of the device slotted into the back of his skull sent shivers through him.

There was a moment's hesitation at Valcen's query. What was this going to be like? He wasn't sure. He wasn't sure he was eager to find out. But there was no point in delaying; surely Valcen wouldn't harm him. In a soft whisper, Baishar replied, "Ready."

[18:22] "Good." The subtle motions that followed were magnified by their proximity to Baishar's skull, both disproportionately obvious and opaque in meaning.

Then a light exploded up from the corner of Baishar's left eye, drowning out the rest of his visual perception, and a sensation marrying a chill and the heat of pulled feathers drew into Baishar's lungs at the next breath. A merciful paralysis gripped him, preventing the sudden input from jerking his body around, at cost of an overwhelming sense of imprisonment.

Blissfully, it was over as quickly as it had come, to the tune of Valcen muttering: "Well, I see that was successful, but not very nice." Baishar's feathers must have automatically puffed out in distress for it to be that obvious. Valcen didn't quite sound apologetic about it. "The connection definitely works," he added. "What did you observe?"

[20:17] For a handful of seconds, the world caught on fire.

When the paralysis subsided and the fire died away, Baishar gasped for breath, shivering. His distress must've been obvious, though Valcen's tone carried a brutal neutrality. Somehow Baishar felt even smaller than his newly-acquired body, a wave of nauseating terror passing through him at Valcen's coldness. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice whispered: 'You're no different from his victims to him.' He closed his eyes tightly, willing it away.

What had he observed? He tried to step through the sensations, one by one. "First, a searing light; it started just in the corner of my eye but it quickly became overwhelming. My lungs felt like..." he struggled a bit to find the words. "Like burning and freezing at the same time? There was... something like a stinging feeling, all over my body, and I couldn't move at all, like I was trapped."

[21:04] A snout appeared beside Baishar to rub itself gently against his jaw and nibble at it. "Sorry about that," Valcen said, absent any particular inflection that would prove he meant it. "There's no interface at the moment; this was just an information pulse.

"But that's useful information – it tells me how your mind interpreted it. I should be able to use that to make something better. But first—" Here Valcen paused, the device still held against Baishar's skull. "I want to show you something you can do."

Abruptly, everything changed. Gravity was on Baishar's side, the images before his eyes were of a completely different angle of the office, the pressure of Valcen against his body had shifted to his side without perceptible transition, and a small sample of saliva had begun pooling onto the ground. There was no pain, no paralysis, nothing to indicate what had just happened.

Valcen was looking down at him, a smile in his body language. "I just interrupted your qidravem for a few seconds," he revealed. "I want you to learn to do that yourself – you can, you have access to it, but it's like a muscle you've never used. Once you can do that, I'll tell you how you can use it to kill your mind."

§ 2021-04-04 19:56:13

[19:56] The blunt apology didn't particularly set Baishar's fears or doubts at ease. It grated against his emotional attatchment to Valcen, pushing him further from 'mentor' and 'amanat' and closer to 'terrifying Havnateh'. Of course, Valcen was all of these things. But some days, some of those things were easier to overlook. Today was not one of those days.

He doesn't care if you're terrified, he only cares that you're loyal, he reminded himself. He held the insight close to his chest. Strangely, it was calming, a reminder he didn't have to be perfect, he only had to be useful. And it sounded like he had been useful today, at least.

Then the world tilted sideways abruptly, and panic gripped at his chest. Baishar stared up at Valcen in confusion, his gaze silently pleading, what just happened?

The answer chilled him to the bone. Learn how to kill your mind. Baishar let out a soft, high-pitched whine, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to make the fear go away. The mental image of Ryrha pressed itself into his mind, the juxtaposition of her fear, her intellect, with the hollow thing she'd become. I don't want that. Why? Why would Valcen ask him to do such a thing to himself?

[20:09] Baishar's reaction seemed to confuse Valcen slightly. He ran his left paw soothingly through Baishar's bristling feathers. "Do you... not want the option of death?" he asked, his tone soft and cautious. "It'd be the only way you could get it. I thought you'd prefer—?" He stopped, transparently lingering on the thought, clearly perplexed by Baishar's deep aversion.

[21:05] Valcen's response drove a red-hot poker of shame into his gut. Was that what he was offering? A chance at qasai, if he wanted it? He cringed at his own foolishness for overreacting. "I— I'm sorry. I thought... that you meant something else." Please don't ask me what 'something else' was.

And yet... still, the offer felt wrong, somehow. For long moments, the feelings churned in his gut, tangled beyond hope of easy resolution. "I'm... not sure," he replied, quietly.

They were in the heart of Katal, left alone by virtue of the Karesejat's good graces and Valcen's utility to the Nayabaru. Neither of these would last forever, nor was it guaranteed they'd last long enough for Valcen's plans to come to fruition. If Valcen misstepped, if his plans failed, if they were outmaneuvered by the Karesejat, or even if they just got unlucky, it could all come crashing down in an instant. Baishar would be imprisoned and tortured for the rest of his life, and the rest of his life would be very, very long. Even if his body failed, they could just do the same thing to his qidravem that Valcen had done.

And yet, it still felt like a waste for all the guidance, all the knowledge, all the time spent in service to his master, to come to nothing. He was the closest any kavkem had ever come to godhood, probably the closest any would ever come. In some sense, he'd alredy achieved it; though it was clear now that the teachings of Dynashari were little more than gestures in vaguely the right direction, that having a qidravem was necessary but by no means sufficient.

And even if all seemed lost, even if Valcen's plans failed and both he and Baishar were incarcerated seemlingly for eternity, how could he be sure that it wasn't part of the plan? How could he be sure that Valcen, Havnateh of Knowledge, didn't have another trick stowed away as a backup plan? How could he be sure that Valcen wouldn't have need of his assistant?

"Would you be able to bring me back?" Baishar asked softly. "Or would I be dead forever?"

[21:16] Valcen nuzzled soothingly at his feathers as they smoothed back down. "It would rather defeat the point if I could override your decision," he cooed. "Because if I had the power to do that, I could choose to return you to a qidravem that did not have that technical ability."

Here, the subtext proved far more interesting than the superficial statement: Even Valcen was not meant to bring him back. It was to be his choice, independent of what Valcen might want for him... or perhaps, independent of what Valcen might be forced to do to him.

It made the everpresent threat of Katal's tortures weigh heavy on his conscience. Valcen considered this necessary, or he wouldn't be bringing it up at all. There was a chance it was the necessity of kindness, but more likely it was the necessity of some deeper plan that lurked just beyond the horizon...

[23:10] ... So it was meant to be Baishar's decision, then? The implications of that crowded into his thoughts. Why was Valcen granting him this? What purpose did it serve? Was this to guard against some circumstance Valcen could foresee? Was it a circumstance Valcen would be willing to tell him about?

It was impossible to tell, from where he was. The possibilities weighed on him, suffocating. "...I don't know... if I'd know when it was right to choose death," he replied, his tone morose. "I don't think I could bear to die while you still live, while you may still have use for me." He closed his eyes, tears slowly beginning to leak out. "Do you think... there will come a time when I will have to make that choice?"

[23:16] "I hope not," Valcen said, earnestly. "But I only have limited control over that possibility. It's prudent to be prepared." Despite its clinical, matter-of-fact portrayal, some part of Baishar felt convinced there was a sliver of empathy, a personal fondness.

On the one hand, it made obvious sense – of course Valcen would rather not lose his assistant. On the other, what was there that Baishar could supply that another kavkem could not be taught to do equally well? What was it about Baishar specifically that Valcen could possibly cherish?

But Valcen had chosen Baishar a long time ago and Valcen knew what he was doing. Even if it might be opaque to Baishar, there were reasons he was being given this gift, reasons why Valcen nonetheless hoped it would never be used.

Assuming he could learn to master it without accidentally killing himself in the process.